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Rebutting @ihadanabortion November 17, 2010

Posted by Tantumblogo in Abortion, Dallas Diocese, General Catholic, sickness, Society.

I made some comments last week about women who were twittering seemingly proud, defiant statements regarding abortions they had had.  I hope they know they’re not nearly as anonymous as they think they are, but I digress………A young woman who has had abortions but is now a mom of a certain number of children has a rebuttal for those kinds of comments, comments seemingly nonchalant and dead to the experience, or triumphalist and seeming to have chosen to make a political statement with the life of a child.  It’s not an easy read, the pain is palpable, and I know a bit how she feels – when you’ve done something so incredibly wrong (for me, it was years of addiction), all you can do is look back and feel regret, you don’t have any answers, you can try to move forward, but that’s about it.  But mine was just wasted years and the hurt and neglect of people around me…..those kinds of things aren’t impossible to overcome.  Being involved in the willful death of your child……I can’t imagine that kind of pain:

This week has been a complete hell.

Someone asked if I had heard about the doctor in Orlando who has been in a lot of trouble, and when I searched for news about it, I realized it was James Pendergraft, the doctor who did my abortions.  He has now had his medical license suspended for the FOURTH time, this time for performing late term abortions past the time when they are legal.

When I saw a picture of the clinic, I crumbled.  When I saw a picture of the doctor, I began weeping and I couldn’t stop.

Every sight, every sound, every feeling came back.  I can still remember the poster on the ceiling.  It was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep from the anesthesia, and the first thing I saw when I woke up.

The article was full of stories about women like me…ones who have suffered for months, even years, because of incomplete abortions.

There was a woman who was awake and saw her baby being pulled from her as his body fell apart in the doctor’s hands.  They had her frantic 911 call as she decided she wanted the baby to live after seeing that it actually IS a baby, but no one at the clinic would help.  By the time the ambulance arrived, the baby was dead.

It’s an uncomfortable subject…because if I call it a baby, if I admit that it was a boy or a girl who had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a life that was already mapped out by God, then I am calling myself a killer.  If I talk about it, blog about it, pray about it, then that makes it real.

But just when I think I’ve pushed the memories far enough behind that they won’t catch up with me, there they are again.

The self-hatred is paralyzing.  It lurks closely and tells me that I don’t deserve happiness.  The guilt is suffocating.  It has affected every relationship I have.  I can’t trust or attempt intimacy.

I would take a bullet for my out-of-the-womb children.  Why didn’t I protect the ones inside?

I have given up hope that the past could have been different.  I cannot change what I did.  Every bible study, counseling session, and prayer seems to just be a band-aid over a wound that will NEVER heal.

So, I will be a voice for my children who only know heaven.  I will be a voice for the millions of women who live in regret, guilt, self-hatred and fear of being “found out”.  I will be painfully honest about every feeling I have, and I will stand up for life even when it’s unpopular and politically incorrect.  So, please spare me your pro-life/pro-choice arguments.  I know what I saw.  I know how I feel.  I will NEVER be the same.  I will NEVER get over it.

And if I don’t take this pain and make it my purpose, I think it might kill me.

Make sure to read the comments. Often times, pro-aborts try to portray those opposed to abortion as wickedly judgemental, heartless bastards with massive superiority complexes.  I don’t see that in the comments.  When I’m at an abortion clinic, I never hear prayer warriors out there attacking the women having abortions (strong words for the doctors and the staff do, however, occur, with reason).  I hear love and regret, sorrow and sometimes pity, but not judging accusations.  Not only would such negative comments be counterproductive, they don’t express what almost all pro-life people feel.  We don’t want the mom to suffer this kind of regret!  We don’t want babies killed!  We pray that we can change hearts and minds.  We pray that people will change their lives so abortion will become unnecessary, but we pray that those who get themselves in a bad situation will seek other options!

A personal note: some time back, I asked for prayers for a family that had been struck by a terrible tragedy.  Well, pray more, because that family is in desperate straights.

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