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Gutted: wife of protestant friend walks out after 17 years November 17, 2015

Posted by Tantumblogo in Basics, disaster, disconcerting, error, family, General Catholic, manhood, paganism, rank stupidity, sadness, scandals, secularism, self-serving, sexual depravity, sickness, Society.

I just spent a most agonizing hour listening to a friend and co-worker bewail the seeming destruction of his marriage.  His wife has filed for divorce, and given the absolute lack of legal recourse abandoned spouses have under the present “no fault” environment, there is very little he can do to stop it.  He claims he has been blindsided by a sudden and radical change in his wife’s disposition since this year began, which culminated in her filing divorce in July.  She had secretly been making arrangements to abandon her husband for months prior to that – getting a PO box, setting up a separate bank account, retaining a lawyer, etc., etc.  From the way my friend tells it, there problems have been trivial and routine – disagreements over share of housecleaning, little hurts from misunderstandings, etc.  The way he tells it, she’s just tired of being married, and she’s done.  The impact this will have on her children, which is almost universally negative save in rare instances of severe abuse and neglect, seems not to bother her a whit.  She’s been sold a divorce fantasy, and she has turned into an eager buyer.

These are not your average sexular pagans.  They are – or at least, he is – a very committed and active evangelical protestant.  Yes, that is an incredibly disordered environment from a Catholic perspective but there is a basis for a rightly ordered and successful marriage within that milieu.  His soon-to-be ex wife feels that the peace and contentment she now feels indicates this divorce must be God’s will.  My friend is flabbergasted at this, since his wife had previously always maintained an acceptance of literal-traditional interpretations of Scripture on things like the adulterous nature of post-divorce “marriage.”  They come from the kind of extremely conservative protestant environment that purports to teach such things.

Ah, but there’s a rub.  Oh yes, they teach such things in theory.  But when push comes to shove and the woman wants to leave, my friend has noticed that his small church community suddenly isn’t applying the standards in practice they purport to hold in theory.  Instead, there is not acceptance and even affirmation of his wife’s “empowering choice.”  This is a frequent lament of many in these kinds of conservative protestant environments……not that our practical situation in the Church is any better. In many respects, it’s worse.

Divorce fantasy is the many movies, books, TV shows, talk programs, websites, etc. (an entire industry, really), that sell divorce to women as something noble, necessary, and vital for their future growth and happiness in life.  They show women like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love abandoning her family and leading an exciting life bedding exotic men in exotic locales.  But for large numbers of divorced, male or female, the reality is far different: they are middle aged, well past their prime, and generally wind up much lonelier, must less happy, and much more materially poor than before.  Like all things satanically inspired, the fantasy is swank and sexy, the reality is frequently miserable.

We are still sold an image of the divorced woman as having been abandoned by her husband.  But women now instigate divorce 80% of the time in the United States.  No fault divorce laws make it impossible for many distressed and abandoned fathers to stop the process.  And of course the children are the ones who pay the ultimate price for this process of female marriage abandonment.  Of course there are men who step out, it happens all the time, but the statistics do not lie – over the past 35 years, women have filed the overwhelming number of divorce claims in this country.  Many of those have been filed for frivolous or entirely self-serving reasons.

I will say this of my friend, however: in spite his relatively orthodox Christian beliefs, being a protestant, he had the usual areas of departure from traditional Christian practice.  That includes using contraception, focusing inordinately on money, and having a quite blase’ attitude regarding fornication.  There were surely bases for dysfunction in the marriage. Beliefs like these, shared with his spouse, provided a fertile seed bed for future divorce.  But I still have an enormous problem with the modern divorce industry and millions of women’s free-wheeling and giddy use of it.

Arrgh, I’ve got a huge headache now.  This guy is really a stand up guy.  He’s a very good engineer.  I’ve known him since 2001 at two different companies. He’s a native Texan, an avid outdoorsman and hunter. Even though he’s an Aggie, I hate to see this happen to him. He is very broken up.  He does not want the marriage to end. He says he now realizes his past beliefs and abuse of Christian moral standards played a role in his marriage ending. He says he plans on remaining faithful to his wife and fighting for their marriage even as he has had to distance himself from her due to her quick descent into manic immorality.  That’s easy to say now while emotions are riding high, the divorce not yet final, and the years of loneliness have not drug on, but I will be praying that he does so.  If more abandoned spouses did not jump on the remarriage bandwagon it would go a very long way towards undermining the cultural exaltation of divorce.

Please pray for my friend P.A.  Thank you.


1. tg - November 17, 2015

Very sad for your friend. I also think women get influenced by a lot of those stupid shows on TV. I know I did in the 80’s. The kids will suffer and end up messed up.

2. Baseballmom - November 18, 2015

Absolutely will pray for him…. My experience has been the same… Mostly women abandoning the family. I coined a saying many years ago and it is quite true: “the divorce occurs with the sterilization or contraception….. It usually takes a few years for the paperwork to be completed.”

3. Christopher Ekstrom - November 18, 2015

The abhorrently pagan atmosphere of Wemat Amerika 2015 also affects behavior; The Worst President Ever & Domestic Enemy # 1 is doing the evil work of the vile…

4. Murray - November 18, 2015

The blogger Dalrock has long been chronlicling the protestant embrace of the divorce culture, and I’ve seen him post many uncannily similar stories to the one you relate (like this one). In short, not only are protestants even more given over than Catholics to prevailing societal mores, there’s a real phenomenon among prominent evangelical pastors (like Mark Driscoll) of elevating women’s “gifts” and priorities over those of their husbands, who are often portrayed as lazy and neglectful. Apparently recent protestant movies like Fireproof, Courageous and War Room have this as a central theme. They’ve even invented a concept called “servant headship” which inverts the biblical teaching on spousal roles.

In short, none of this is a surprise, and evangelical protestants are even weirder than we think. I’ll pray for your friend.

Tantumblogo - November 18, 2015

Murray –

Sorry this got held up in spam. The links got you. I do recommend Dalrock’s blog, with the caveat that he is an evangelical protestant and thus erroneous on some matters, but on the subject of divorce, remarriage, and the destruction of manhood/fatherhood, he is quite astute.

But that’s exactly what my friend has run into. Sure, the protestant group he belongs to is outwardly very conservative, and pretends to uphold a strict adherence even to St. Paul’s very countercultural call for women to be obedient towards their husbands, but when the chips are down in the “real world” they tend to cave and suddenly, well, in this particular instance…..you’re a bad guy and she’s probably justified in wrecking the kid’s lives and hoping for better with Man #2 (or 8, or 77, or whatever).

Yes Dalrock does rail against the inversion of fatherhood, turning authority into submission, and the movies he has pointed out are pretty good examples of this. I think Fireproof is a very problematic movie from many respects, with the woman’s real dalliance with adultery/divorce somehow portrayed as much less grievous than the husband’s self abuse/porn use. They’re both terrible, but for some reason the movie gives the wife not quite a pass, but a very sympathetic portrayal. And the only reason the marriage is saved is because the husband engages in heroic virtue to win her back, the message being that men who fail to do so are at least somewhat justified in being abandoned by their spouses. I don’t think the critique totally accurate, but I do think there IS truth in the grave problems in protestant marriage guidance, which is also commonly seen in orthodox Catholic circles, there being insufficient knowledge of the Church’s enormous resources in that regard (though, they are quite dated, and also so exceedingly countercultural to even many trad’s beliefs (I have seen some very strong signs of feminism in trad circles) that it is perhaps thought Catholics would not accept them). Liguori has good guidance on husband/wife relations, which I should post at some point if I can dig them up again, but they are very, very strong, and incredibly contrary to the dominant cultural understanding of marriage and the family today.

5. Peterk - November 18, 2015

How long were they married? 20-25 years? if so I’ve seen where a lot of divorces occur after that period of time. found out my wife was going to divorce me after 23 1/2 years of marriage

6. Dave Heath - November 22, 2015

I am entering my sixth year of essentially the same scenario as your friend – marital discord caused by relationship issues as the prime culprit, followed by an unexpected divorce after 22 years. There were other reasons, of course, as there always are and on both sides, but none that included abuse and which would have been the only valid reason for my beloved former spouse to do what she did. She ignored the basic decades-old rules for children and divorce which directly caused parent-child estrangements, as well as ignoring the serious financial jeopardy this action would place us in. She was a willing participant of the modern notion that divorce solves all marital problems, that there is no shame in knowingly harming your own children and, sadly, in the primary reason for No Fault Divorce’s tragic existence: that YOU – the petitioner – are deserving of your marital happiness, even at the expense of the innocent, whether child or spouse.

I have written many times since that fateful day that divorce “…is a puss-filled, germ-oozing, cancerous, leprotic scourge that never heals….” Your friend is about to find first-hand just how accurate a definition that can be and his spouse will find herself stuck in the requisite “divorce vacuum”, from which she will not be able to extricate herself even if she wanted to, assuming she takes things to their (il)logical conclusion.

Like your friend, I have chosen to remain Faithful to my first and only spouse (and our 10 children) and have closed my Heart to any other woman, excepting Our Lady. You can tell him for me, it will not be an easy task and requires no small amount of prayers (and the frequent reception of Confession and Holy Communion, something your friend does not have the privilege of having, sadly). But he should be commended for his Faithfulness and will have my prayers, regardless. (Perhaps this evil of divorce can be turned to good by his conversion to Catholicism, in God’s good time.)

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