A Blog for Dallas Area Catholics

The disaster of growing up in a gay household July 3, 2012

That is, being a child raised by a gay parent or parents.  That is the testimony of one Dawn Stefanowicz, whose father was gay, dying of AIDS in 1991.  In a long interview at Catholic World Report, Stefanowicz relates the horrors she experienced as a child – her father’s serial partners, even when he was in a “committed” or “monogamous” relationship, witnessing group sex by several men, including her father, in her own home, being taken to gay “cruising” spots, being made to dress like a slut to serve as “bait” for bisexual men, and even memories of sexual abuse she experienced at his hands.  A couple of excerpts:

One thing you stress is that you didn’t observe a monogamous relationship in your home when growing up.

Stefanowicz: Yes. For children such as myself, just because our parents are “partnered,” doesn’t mean they are monogamous. Monogamy in the gay community means “serial monogamy,” you have a single partner for several months and then move on, or you’re in a relationship but have multiple partners on the side. Research shows that most male homosexual relationships become open within the first year. A recent New York Times article confirmed this—50 percent of same-sex male “marriages” become open to other sexual partners within the first year. My father could be in a “committed,” long-term relationship, but there was an agreement with his partner that there would be sexual relationships with others.

When I was growing up, I wasn’t surrounded by average heterosexual couples. In my home there would be my father’s partners and male friends, and they would often take me along to meeting places in the GLBT community. I was just a child, but I was exposed to overt sexual activity. When I was about nine, for example, my father took me to a downtown sex shop. He said he wanted to expose me to sexuality so that I wouldn’t be prudish. There was no sense of privacy around sexuality. Sex was very public; that was part of the gay culture.

He’d take me to see the work of gay artists, whose paintings and sculptures seemed to have phallic symbols worked into their art. He’d take me to nude beaches where gay men met one another. He wanted me to take my clothes off too, but I wouldn’t. It was at such places that men were involved in “cruising,” propositioning one another for sex. There were areas nearby you would go to for sex. There was a network; if the police were coming, they’d tip one another off and they’d stop their sexual activity.

This was before the Internet age, but there was still an incredible network that the gay community used to inform one another about their meeting places where they could go for a “quickie.” They could be public beaches, gyms, or even parks where children were playing nearby. My father would go cruising at locations all over Canada. He also loved coming to the States; his favorite cities included San Francisco, Miami, and Ft. Lauderdale. You could cruise, find someone in a few minutes, and go someplace to have sex.

My father also kept an apartment near his downtown office where he could meet someone for quick sex.

Once, when I was in the 10th grade, I was excited because my father came to school to watch me perform in the band. He never did before. I saw his eyes bug out when he saw all the teenage boys performing on the stage with me. Then I realized that he was not there for me, but to pick up young men.

As you got older, your father used you as “bait” to attract men he was interested in having sex with, too.

Stefanowicz: Yes. He’d tell me to dress provocatively, and wear this or that top, and we’d go out cruising. A man may identify himself as gay, but my dad knew they still liked attractive young women. Or, it could be a way to attract bisexual or heterosexual men.  

My father liked well-dressed, “clean cut” men, who were about 10 years younger than he was. It was always a younger man, never the same age or older. I knew many gay men who had a preference for adolescent males who had just hit puberty. They would look for boys with absent fathers who were vulnerable.

One thing that is extremely interesting, is that even though the author grew up in a very gay-friendly environment where homosexuality was normalized and totally accepted, she still knew in her heart it was wrong, even from a young age.  She also knew that the men involved were extremely self-destructive and had numerous psychological problems and addictions.  While her father may have been a somewhat extreme example (I say somewhat……I’m not terribly convinced he’s extreme at all), there is no question that promiscuity among gay males in particular but all homosexuals is very widespread, as is very narcissistic behavior.  As she relates, her father’s life revolved totally around himself, and his pursuit of pleasure.  But while he would give constant “affection” to any random male, he would not kiss his own son or daughter.

The article is explicit at times.  It describes the health hazards associated with living in a gay household, due to the after effects of unnatural sex, in some detail.  So be warned.

As I read the article, I had a very strong sensation of empathy for the author, of a child who was trapped in a life she didn’t make or like but had to live, anyway.  Her mother was basically out of the picture.  The entire thing was very sad, I myself felt a sensation of being trapped, just from reading it.  It reminded me of the feeling I had when I was in active addiction, especially the worst parts, the constant out of control spiral you can’t stop.  At least in that sense, it was a trap of my own making, but in this case, the children have no choice.

And yet now, governments across the land want to give children to gay “couples” to raise?  They want to let them adopt, and recognize their pretend marriages?

It’s beyond insane. It’ s diabolical.